theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
