Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
