You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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