A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
