While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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