I'm gonna have a badass scar
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
