ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
