Just fell off a train. Bad.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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