So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
