The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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