My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
