My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Non-Jews are for practice
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
