im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
