In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
