Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
