Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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