Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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