I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
