Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
