I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
