i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
