She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
