Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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