No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
