You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
