Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize