I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
