Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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