Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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