she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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