u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I understand Curling. That high.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
