Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
