I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
