ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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