Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
