I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
