i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize