Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
