Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
