I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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