I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize