Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
one might say we're banned from that church
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
