So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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