he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
