How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
