chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
