Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
