then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
