he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
