I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
