What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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