I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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