Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
