Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The maid of honor just puked.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
