My underwear smells like fireworks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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