The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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