I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
