She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
