Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize